My 11-year-old saw porn! What do I do?

D. H. asks:

Suppose a friend of my son's introduces him to pornography on the internet and I know little about the parent's of the boy lives, church involvement, etc. How should I handle it with the two of them? How do I balance communicating it being wrong and yet understanding?

What "punishment" would you provide to an 11 year old?

Stephen and David answer:

Clinical research shows that there are significant ramifications to the repeated exposure to pornography—and the earlier the exposure, the more likely a problem it will be for the boy as an adult. And sadly, more and more boys than ever before are at risk to early exposure to pornography. Here are some disturbing statistics on children and internet pornography.
• Average age of first Internet exposure to pornography: 11 years old
• 15-17 year olds having multiple hard-core exposures: 80%
• 8-16 year olds having viewed porn online: 90% (most while doing homework)


As we address in our book Wild Things: The Art of Nurturing Boys, realistically, it's the question is not, "If our son will be exposed to porn?", but rather "When will he see porn?" And, "How much?" "What kind?" "How often?" "What will he do with it?" "What will it do to him?"

You see in order to raise our sons well, as parents, we need to be prepared to talk with our sons about pornography: it's allure, it's impact, and its potential consequences.

Ideally you will have set the stage with him before he actually is exposed to porn. In doing so, he will at the very least know that you know, and more than likely you will be able to help prepare him for how to handle the situation. But, as a parent, we can't always be ahead of the curve, and we will need to play catch up. It's almost never to late to begin this conversation.

With the situation you've presented here, there are a couple of cenario we can imagine that really determine how you approach this topic with your son.

Example 1: Assuming that is was your son who told you about seeing the porn.

Have a party! We are only half kidding when we say this. Anytime a boys shares this kind of experience with his parent(s) it is cause for celebration. In this case your son needs to be celebrated and thanked for his integrity in his values, his trust in your relationship, and his courage to come to you.

Example 2: You busted him.

If this is the case, it's important to respond but not over react. For sure your son needs to understand that this is a serious issue to you and that are angry, afraid, sad, etc. But if you are not responsible with your feelings, you will likely end up shaming your son and making him feel defective, broken, and/or stupid.

With either situation there needs to be a conversation with your son includes;

1. Fact finding. What happened? What was the situation that created an opportunity for your son to be exposed to porn? Is this the first time? Where were the parents? What kind of pornography did he see/has he seen?
2. Connection. What was this experience like for him? Be curious This may include, normalizing his curiosity. Affirming the power of pornography.
3. Preparation. Talk with your son about the real dangers of pornography: we cover all of these in our book Wild Things: The Art of Nurturing Boys
2.
4. Talk with the friend's parents. What you learn from your son will dictate the tone and substance of this conversation. You probably want to run your thoughts by another person before you actually talk with the other boys parents.
5. Set boundaries. There need to be some barriers put in place that can help your son. If this was the first time, their needs to be more process than punishment—more conversation than criticism—but for sure their needs to be some consequences.
6. Keep talking. Make sure their is room for the conversation to continue with your son. You don't want to nag him or grill him about it, but you do want to circle back around every few days at first, then every few weeks to see how he is processing the initial event.

For more insight and tips, get the book Wild Things: The Art of Nurturing Boys.