Help with my 3 1/2 year old.

Angie writes,

Dear Stephen and David,
I recently attended the "Wild Things" seminar in Knoxville and I came home feeling gained some insight about boys. I have your book and have enjoyed reading it. My question is, my son seems to be "glued at the hip" with me. My patience is wearing thin. I give him some responsibilities (i.e. puts his dirty dishes in the dish washer, cleans up toys, etc.) which he is very good at, but he competes with his ten year old sister for my affection. The flip side of this behavior is that he can be very aggressive with me as well and has struggles of not minding me. I'm at my wits end trying to understand all of this. My husband is quick to spank him, but I am not keen on spanking. There are periods in a week where it seems that he stays in trouble. His behavior at day care shows none of this according to his daycare teacher. What would you advise? I would appreciate any advice. Thank you and God bless.


Angie,

Thanks for coming out to hear us in Knoxville and for purchasing the book. I'm glad to hear Wild Things has been an enjoyable and helpful read. I hope it can be a resource as your son passes in and out of the next four stages of his development.

In hearing you talk about him being "glued at the hip," I am reminded of the conversation we shared with moms on Sunday morning about one of the unique callings you have in the life of your son of being safe. With explorers, being safe often translates to being "glued at the hip." In that stage of his development, you really are the center of his universe. The majority of his basic needs are met in relationship primarily with you. That will change as he graduates out of this stage, but for now it's true.

With that said, you are wise to create some opportunities for him to grow and develop in the care of other trusted adults. It's great to hear you say he is able to go to day care and doesn't struggle in being dropped off or spending a few hours away from you. I'd look at expanding that through some Saturday morning outings with Dad or some Sunday afternoon trips with grandparents or friends. The more opportunity he has to explore the world safely in the care of other adults, the more confident he feels being away from you and quite simply, it gives you an opportunity for a break (which every mom needs!).

His aggression is likely a response to stimulation as is common with explorers. He may be overstimulated (too much going on around him) or understimulated (bored by being home with you for an extended period of time). He may at times be aggressive as an expression of intimacy. Do you remember me sharing the story of when my own sons were explorers and would run and head butt my wife? It's an Explorer's way of saying "I miss you, I want to be with you and I can't get close enough to you." He will need you and his dad to help him redirect his aggression toward something more useful. Have him hug you and use his words to tell you what he needs or is feeling and then affirm him for doing so. Tell him how great that felt compared to his aggressive response. I would encourage your husband away from spanking based on this evidence. He sounds like he is needing more redirection than discipline.

Keep in mind that explorers feel alot of strong emotions but can't put words to those or don't know what to do with them. Choose books to read that are rich with emotional content to help expand his emotional vocabulary. And then talk about the characters following the story. I love Kevin Henkes books (Wemberly Worried, Owen, Chester's Way), as well as Eric Carle's books. Both authors allow the characters to feel things strongly and put words to that. Secondly, use as much role play with him as you can. It is a great teaching tool for Explorers and matches boys as experiential learners.

I hope that's helpful in thinking it through with your Explorer.

David

Boys and Parental Involvement with School

We are often asked how involved a parent should be in his son’s academics. Our first response to this question is to commit yourself to a long, consistent journey of nurturing an independent learner. Our mission as parents is to empower our sons with a belief that he can monitor and own his academic life well. We need to always be a resource to him when he needs help, finds himself stuck, stumbles into an area of deficit or just needs some encouragement. However, we should never care more about his academics than he does.

When we start caring more than he does, we take ownership of what’s his to own. We are then nurturing a dependent learner. We see this young man every day. He doesn’t attempt homework, prepare for tests, focus on organizing his schedule or work, unless nagged, prompted, questioned, screamed at, stood over, or strong armed. Homework can be one of the more unnecessary battles parents take up with boys. So, how does a parent avoid stepping into this quick sand?

One, frame your involvement from the earliest moments in his academic experience as support. Make sure he knows you’re available, but only if he gets stuck and needs assistance. Don’t train him to need you present for his work or projects, but available to review assignments upon completion or drill him in preparation for tests or quizzes if needed.

Two, in order for him to develop organizational skills (which is half the battle for school), he’s going to have to experience some natural consequences along the way. You shouldn’t be available to run to the store at 9:30 pm when he announces he just opened his back pack for the first time and needs glue sticks for a project due the next morning. Allow him to be docked a grade for turning in a late project or even fail a project for the sake of developing skills around organization.

As we discuss allowing him to struggle and fail, it’s important to note that no college or university in our country cares about your 5th grade transcript. Not even Ivy League schools will pay attention to your 7th grade math scores. Therefore, K-8 is a pivotal time for him to begin developing these skills, passing and failing, succeeding and bombing.

Next, we’d recommend you work in tandem with his teachers in double teaming him as he develops in this area. He needs to experience you being on the same page, giving similar consequences and supporting one another in seeing him develop as an independent learner.

We’ve officially lost count with the number of young men we’ve worked with who were Valedictorians, National Merit Scholars and ranked in the top percentage of their classes, who within two semesters managed to flunk themselves out of college. You may wonder (as have we) how it is possible for a young man with those cognitive abilities could find himself in this scenario. It’s possible if he has no experience as an independent learner. If boys only know how to perform with an adult standing over them and then are cut loose to an environment with that much freedom and that little structure, it’s very possible.

It should start early. Next time you walk the halls of your son’s school observing 2nd grade projects that were clearly done by a contributing adult, smile and imagine your son armed with his messy work and imagine him as an independent learner.