Thank you to the many great folks who came to West End Community Church in Nashville, TN to better understand boys. Here are some of the questions I didn’t get a chance to answer that afternoon.
1. What are your thoughts on holding back boys with school?
We talk in Wild Things about the importance of giving boys reprieve. We often place unrealistic expectations on them academically, athletically, emotionally, and in many other areas.
When it comes to deciding when a boy is ready for kindergarten, I would encourage you to pay close attention to your son, not the “standard” age when most boys start kindergarten in your city. Some boys are ready at five years of age. Many boys are not. You’ve got to study your son closely and consult with a number of adults who have observed and know him. Preschool educators are often excellent resources in navigating this decision. They know and understand what’s required to be kindergarten ready and have observed your early learner.
I’ve met plenty of parents who regretted starting early and I’ve yet to meet a parent who regretted waiting. When in doubt, wait to start. He’d be better served to have another year to mature and develop. I hear this recommendation from educators every time I teach at an in-service. Elementary school educators are grieved to see a young man who isn’t ready –academically or emotionally - to meet the challenges involved in today’s academic world.
2. Depression in boys may not look like depression in girls. How do you determine if it is more likely depression instead of “acting out” behavior?
It’s always helpful to consult with your pediatrician about any emotional concerns you have with your son. They will help you identify what is acting out behavior versus depressive symptoms. Your pediatrician may also recommend consulting with a therapist to assess your observations. Depression in boys rarely looks like depression in girls. Girls tend to get more sad and withdrawn. Boys can certainly go this direction, but often times boys get bravado and start acting out. They are often more angry than sad, which is why we tend to miss depression in adolescent males.
3. How do I (hippie, peace-loving mom) deal with my son’s love of pretend weapons, fighting, etc., in a way that doesn’t crush his spirit but also doesn’t condone violence?
It is astonishing to me how instinctively many boys gravitate toward imaginative play that involves weapons and fighting. They find the most creative and strategic ways to make weapons from any object. With that said, it’s normal that his play would often involve good defeating evil. He will enjoy playing the role of the hero and may need weapons to accomplish his task.
Find great and natural opportunities to speak with him about violence and weapons. Use literature and film to drive this point home as he matures and gets older. Pay close attention to video games you allow him to play. There is nothing redemptive about video games that involve anti-social violence. Use it as a conversation starter to teach your views on violence and to hear his evolving ideas about the same.
4. What can a mother do to help fulfill a father role when dad is not present?
Parenting without a spouse, or with a spouse who is not invested well in parenting, is one of the greatest challenges a mom of a son faces. I would encourage you to first extend grace to yourself. You cannot be both his mother and his father. You can be a great mother to him. Focus your time and energy on this. Acknowledge the loss and allow him to do the same. Tell him that a part of your goal is to help him find his way to many strong, trusted adult male voices.
It is important that you acknowledge with him and with yourself that you can’t be all things to him. I’d also recommend you explore some very practical ideas we lay out for single moms in the book Wild Things.
5. How do we raise our boys with all this knowledge that you have given to us?
Keep in mind that you are going to make mistakes. Be willing to own those mistakes with him and with yourself. Boys aren’t looking for perfection, just presence. Pray daily for the grace and strength to do what you have been called to do as a parent. Remember that you are equipped with what you need to do that. You were uniquely called to parent your son. He is a work in progress. You are a work in progress.
Continue studying the unique way God designed him. Keep reading about his changing development and what he needs in each stage. Ask God to give you the wisdom to attend to him and believe that He will.
6. How do we encourage our son is his masculine journey amidst 3 sisters?
Believe that he will be blessed by growing up in a house full of women. It will have its challenges. It will also have plenty of opportunity.
Allow him to be different, because he will be. Affirm those differences when you observe them. One isn’t right and one wrong – boys and girls are just different beings. Pay attention to his needs being different. Keep going back to the unique role and the unique challenges you face as a mother. Keep going back to the tasks of fathering a boy well that we discussed. You are likely encouraging his masculine journey in ways you don’t even realize.
Showing posts with label boy development. Show all posts
Showing posts with label boy development. Show all posts
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
When coach/coaches are obsessed with winning
This questions was on the blog as a response to another. Likely a good one to answer....
Jennifer F. said...
What would you recommend for parents who find themselves in a situation where the coach/coaches are obsessed with winning or use yelling and shaming, but finding another league is not an option? I live in a smal town, so there's often only _one_ choice for baseball, basketball, etc.
Great question and hard dilemma.
Keep in mind that the purpose of sports is to develop skills, to stay active and, most importantly, to have fun. If you find yourself with a coach whose strategy involves shaming and yelling, he has eliminated two of the three reasons we'd engage our sons in the opportunity of sports. Most often times, there are other options of other coaches or other leagues where we can find our way to a better case scenario. If you live in a small town, like Jennifer, it may be a more complicated puzzle to solve. I once worked with a family facing a similar challenge. They ended up (after alot of work) creating their own recreational league sponsored by their local church. The church ended up purchasing the uniforms and twenty-eight families combined resources to cover the cost of using space on another playing field.
A similar group of dads developed a "Sunday afternoon league." They go to a local park for flag football in the fall and baseball in the spring. It's an open league that is structured more like a pick up game. They sometimes play boys against boys and dads against dads. Once a month they combine teams for a father/son versus father/son competition. They've successfully re-integrated the three components mentioned above. Be creative in how you go about accomplishing those goals. We've culturally bought into the idea that organized sports and current leagues are the only options for boys to have an athletic experience. There are other ways to accomplish what boys need from athletics. We are the consumers and if we don't like what we're purchasing, we can always stop buying and create different options.
Some folks reading this would argue that a boy can benefit from navigating a challenging relationship with a coach. We would absolutely agree. He is developing a life skill in doing so. Our challenge would be that exposing him to a shaming experience early on could not only have some harmful emotional impact, but it could shut him down to the long term opportunity of engaging in sports again. We've seen too many young men who had a negative experience early on that closed the door to future opportunities. Particularly when boys are young, they should be in positive, encouraging, skill development opportunities that make sports seem enjoyable and with purpose.
Jennifer F. said...
What would you recommend for parents who find themselves in a situation where the coach/coaches are obsessed with winning or use yelling and shaming, but finding another league is not an option? I live in a smal town, so there's often only _one_ choice for baseball, basketball, etc.
Great question and hard dilemma.
Keep in mind that the purpose of sports is to develop skills, to stay active and, most importantly, to have fun. If you find yourself with a coach whose strategy involves shaming and yelling, he has eliminated two of the three reasons we'd engage our sons in the opportunity of sports. Most often times, there are other options of other coaches or other leagues where we can find our way to a better case scenario. If you live in a small town, like Jennifer, it may be a more complicated puzzle to solve. I once worked with a family facing a similar challenge. They ended up (after alot of work) creating their own recreational league sponsored by their local church. The church ended up purchasing the uniforms and twenty-eight families combined resources to cover the cost of using space on another playing field.
A similar group of dads developed a "Sunday afternoon league." They go to a local park for flag football in the fall and baseball in the spring. It's an open league that is structured more like a pick up game. They sometimes play boys against boys and dads against dads. Once a month they combine teams for a father/son versus father/son competition. They've successfully re-integrated the three components mentioned above. Be creative in how you go about accomplishing those goals. We've culturally bought into the idea that organized sports and current leagues are the only options for boys to have an athletic experience. There are other ways to accomplish what boys need from athletics. We are the consumers and if we don't like what we're purchasing, we can always stop buying and create different options.
Some folks reading this would argue that a boy can benefit from navigating a challenging relationship with a coach. We would absolutely agree. He is developing a life skill in doing so. Our challenge would be that exposing him to a shaming experience early on could not only have some harmful emotional impact, but it could shut him down to the long term opportunity of engaging in sports again. We've seen too many young men who had a negative experience early on that closed the door to future opportunities. Particularly when boys are young, they should be in positive, encouraging, skill development opportunities that make sports seem enjoyable and with purpose.
Thursday, February 19, 2009
My son the Unibomber???
Yesterday afternnon my wife called me at work to inform me that our six-year-old son came home pretended to put a bomb in his sisters room--which caused his older sister some frustration. We were relived to discover that his "bomb" was a piece of paper with scribbles on it. Whew!
This morning when we were having breakfast I asked him about his bomb making activity. He went on to tell me how he had "planted an explosive device" in a girl's backpack at school too. Inside I was like, "YOU DID WHAT?????!!!!!" while on the outside, I said "Really buddy, what made you want to do that?" He went on to tell me that the girls in the class where trying to "capture" him at recess and so he wanted to "develop some technology that could stop them." So he invented an "explosive," a "listening device," and a "laptop." He went on to explain in great detail how these three devices would work together so that he and his mates could play freely on the playground without the interference of the fairer sex.
Of course we had to have a long talk about the school system in no way likes the talk, idea, or mentioning of any kind of weapons (including IEDs) while at school and this would get me a certain trip to the principal's office. Willing to please and obey, he sadly said, "I guess I will have to go to school and get the bomb out of her backpack." He genuinely looked really really sad. To make matters worse, we had to pick up two neighbors on the way to school (both girls) and he had to ride in the back with them.
Boys will be boys.
Stephen
This morning when we were having breakfast I asked him about his bomb making activity. He went on to tell me how he had "planted an explosive device" in a girl's backpack at school too. Inside I was like, "YOU DID WHAT?????!!!!!" while on the outside, I said "Really buddy, what made you want to do that?" He went on to tell me that the girls in the class where trying to "capture" him at recess and so he wanted to "develop some technology that could stop them." So he invented an "explosive," a "listening device," and a "laptop." He went on to explain in great detail how these three devices would work together so that he and his mates could play freely on the playground without the interference of the fairer sex.
Of course we had to have a long talk about the school system in no way likes the talk, idea, or mentioning of any kind of weapons (including IEDs) while at school and this would get me a certain trip to the principal's office. Willing to please and obey, he sadly said, "I guess I will have to go to school and get the bomb out of her backpack." He genuinely looked really really sad. To make matters worse, we had to pick up two neighbors on the way to school (both girls) and he had to ride in the back with them.
Boys will be boys.
Stephen
Friday, February 13, 2009
Boys and Parental Involvement with School
We are often asked how involved a parent should be in his son’s academics. Our first response to this question is to commit yourself to a long, consistent journey of nurturing an independent learner. Our mission as parents is to empower our sons with a belief that he can monitor and own his academic life well. We need to always be a resource to him when he needs help, finds himself stuck, stumbles into an area of deficit or just needs some encouragement. However, we should never care more about his academics than he does.
When we start caring more than he does, we take ownership of what’s his to own. We are then nurturing a dependent learner. We see this young man every day. He doesn’t attempt homework, prepare for tests, focus on organizing his schedule or work, unless nagged, prompted, questioned, screamed at, stood over, or strong armed. Homework can be one of the more unnecessary battles parents take up with boys. So, how does a parent avoid stepping into this quick sand?
One, frame your involvement from the earliest moments in his academic experience as support. Make sure he knows you’re available, but only if he gets stuck and needs assistance. Don’t train him to need you present for his work or projects, but available to review assignments upon completion or drill him in preparation for tests or quizzes if needed.
Two, in order for him to develop organizational skills (which is half the battle for school), he’s going to have to experience some natural consequences along the way. You shouldn’t be available to run to the store at 9:30 pm when he announces he just opened his back pack for the first time and needs glue sticks for a project due the next morning. Allow him to be docked a grade for turning in a late project or even fail a project for the sake of developing skills around organization.
As we discuss allowing him to struggle and fail, it’s important to note that no college or university in our country cares about your 5th grade transcript. Not even Ivy League schools will pay attention to your 7th grade math scores. Therefore, K-8 is a pivotal time for him to begin developing these skills, passing and failing, succeeding and bombing.
Next, we’d recommend you work in tandem with his teachers in double teaming him as he develops in this area. He needs to experience you being on the same page, giving similar consequences and supporting one another in seeing him develop as an independent learner.
We’ve officially lost count with the number of young men we’ve worked with who were Valedictorians, National Merit Scholars and ranked in the top percentage of their classes, who within two semesters managed to flunk themselves out of college. You may wonder (as have we) how it is possible for a young man with those cognitive abilities could find himself in this scenario. It’s possible if he has no experience as an independent learner. If boys only know how to perform with an adult standing over them and then are cut loose to an environment with that much freedom and that little structure, it’s very possible.
It should start early. Next time you walk the halls of your son’s school observing 2nd grade projects that were clearly done by a contributing adult, smile and imagine your son armed with his messy work and imagine him as an independent learner.
When we start caring more than he does, we take ownership of what’s his to own. We are then nurturing a dependent learner. We see this young man every day. He doesn’t attempt homework, prepare for tests, focus on organizing his schedule or work, unless nagged, prompted, questioned, screamed at, stood over, or strong armed. Homework can be one of the more unnecessary battles parents take up with boys. So, how does a parent avoid stepping into this quick sand?
One, frame your involvement from the earliest moments in his academic experience as support. Make sure he knows you’re available, but only if he gets stuck and needs assistance. Don’t train him to need you present for his work or projects, but available to review assignments upon completion or drill him in preparation for tests or quizzes if needed.
Two, in order for him to develop organizational skills (which is half the battle for school), he’s going to have to experience some natural consequences along the way. You shouldn’t be available to run to the store at 9:30 pm when he announces he just opened his back pack for the first time and needs glue sticks for a project due the next morning. Allow him to be docked a grade for turning in a late project or even fail a project for the sake of developing skills around organization.
As we discuss allowing him to struggle and fail, it’s important to note that no college or university in our country cares about your 5th grade transcript. Not even Ivy League schools will pay attention to your 7th grade math scores. Therefore, K-8 is a pivotal time for him to begin developing these skills, passing and failing, succeeding and bombing.
Next, we’d recommend you work in tandem with his teachers in double teaming him as he develops in this area. He needs to experience you being on the same page, giving similar consequences and supporting one another in seeing him develop as an independent learner.
We’ve officially lost count with the number of young men we’ve worked with who were Valedictorians, National Merit Scholars and ranked in the top percentage of their classes, who within two semesters managed to flunk themselves out of college. You may wonder (as have we) how it is possible for a young man with those cognitive abilities could find himself in this scenario. It’s possible if he has no experience as an independent learner. If boys only know how to perform with an adult standing over them and then are cut loose to an environment with that much freedom and that little structure, it’s very possible.
It should start early. Next time you walk the halls of your son’s school observing 2nd grade projects that were clearly done by a contributing adult, smile and imagine your son armed with his messy work and imagine him as an independent learner.
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
Boys and Dating
By the time boys hit the end of middle school or the beginning of the high school, they will likely begin to express more interest in girls. There are a few things to keep in mind in terms of boys and dating.
1. There are no magic ages. Girls mature faster than boys. A boy is ready when he can articulate to you a plan for handling the situations that concern you.
2. Remember when we spoke to the importance of knowing your son’s friends and his parents? The same is true for relationships with the opposite sex. Insist that he bring her home to dinner before the date, and he should introduce himself to her family as well. Don’t give in on this issue. Show interest even if you don’t approve of everything about them. Showing interest doesn’t always equate with giving permission.
3. Free up her father (through a phone conversation or in person) to get to know him, here his expectations clearly in terms of your son spending time with his daughter.
4. Keep in mind what is taking place developmentally. (You wouldn’t ask a toddler to multiply). Let this help you set limits AND provide opportunities (don’t turn them loose to their peers and also don’t eliminate opportunities for them to fail).
5. He needs education in terms of the way girls think, how they interpret things differently and also how some girls gravitate toward manipulation as a pattern of relating. Use role-play with him as tool and involve some other individuals he might here from better on this topic (a youth director at church working with girls, his aunt, a family friend with a college-aged daughter you trust, etc.)
6. He needs strong information in terms of physical boundaries, sexual experimentation, how “no” means no when spoken by a girl regardless of his interpretation, and how to respect his own body and hers.
7. Keep in mind what we said earlier within the book that although it’s normal for him to express an interest in dating and to have experience with dating, it should never exclude his having and maintaining relationships with his male peers. If he becomes obsessed with a single relationship with a female at the expense of developing and maintaining relationship with his male peers, this is of concern.
1. There are no magic ages. Girls mature faster than boys. A boy is ready when he can articulate to you a plan for handling the situations that concern you.
2. Remember when we spoke to the importance of knowing your son’s friends and his parents? The same is true for relationships with the opposite sex. Insist that he bring her home to dinner before the date, and he should introduce himself to her family as well. Don’t give in on this issue. Show interest even if you don’t approve of everything about them. Showing interest doesn’t always equate with giving permission.
3. Free up her father (through a phone conversation or in person) to get to know him, here his expectations clearly in terms of your son spending time with his daughter.
4. Keep in mind what is taking place developmentally. (You wouldn’t ask a toddler to multiply). Let this help you set limits AND provide opportunities (don’t turn them loose to their peers and also don’t eliminate opportunities for them to fail).
5. He needs education in terms of the way girls think, how they interpret things differently and also how some girls gravitate toward manipulation as a pattern of relating. Use role-play with him as tool and involve some other individuals he might here from better on this topic (a youth director at church working with girls, his aunt, a family friend with a college-aged daughter you trust, etc.)
6. He needs strong information in terms of physical boundaries, sexual experimentation, how “no” means no when spoken by a girl regardless of his interpretation, and how to respect his own body and hers.
7. Keep in mind what we said earlier within the book that although it’s normal for him to express an interest in dating and to have experience with dating, it should never exclude his having and maintaining relationships with his male peers. If he becomes obsessed with a single relationship with a female at the expense of developing and maintaining relationship with his male peers, this is of concern.
Friday, February 6, 2009
Moves for Boys Ages 10-12
Continuing on blog we wrote last week on movies for boys ages 5-8, here is list of movies for boys 9-12.
• The Rookie (10+ years old)
• The Day the Earth Stood Still (1951) (10+ years old)
• North by Northwest (1959) (10+ years old)
• It’s A Wonderful Life (1946) (10+ years old)
• Apollo 13 (10+ years old)
• The Princess Bride (10+ years old)
• Hoosiers (10+ years old)
• Remember the Titans (10+ years old)
• The Goonies (10+ years old)
• October Sky (10+ years old)
• The Karate Kid (10+ years old)
• TO Kill a Mockingbird (10+ years old)
• Stand By Me (12+ years old)
• Lord of the Rings (12+ years old)
• Chronicles of Narnia (12+ years old)
• Rudy (12+ years old)
• Glory (12+ years old)
• The Rookie (10+ years old)
• The Day the Earth Stood Still (1951) (10+ years old)
• North by Northwest (1959) (10+ years old)
• It’s A Wonderful Life (1946) (10+ years old)
• Apollo 13 (10+ years old)
• The Princess Bride (10+ years old)
• Hoosiers (10+ years old)
• Remember the Titans (10+ years old)
• The Goonies (10+ years old)
• October Sky (10+ years old)
• The Karate Kid (10+ years old)
• TO Kill a Mockingbird (10+ years old)
• Stand By Me (12+ years old)
• Lord of the Rings (12+ years old)
• Chronicles of Narnia (12+ years old)
• Rudy (12+ years old)
• Glory (12+ years old)
Friday, January 30, 2009
Movies to Watch with boys 5-8
One great way to instruct and engage boys abound values that you want them to have is through stories—and for boys, movies tell stories in boy friendly ways.
Here is a brief list of some movies to watch with your son (5-8) and to talk with him about. Many of these movies are made from books. IF he likes the movie, get the book and read it with him.
The Lion King (1994) (5+ years old)
Babe (1995) (5+ years old)
Toy Story (5+ years old)
The Adventures of Robin Hood (1938) (6+ years old)
The Wizard of Oz (6+ years old)
Old Yeller (1957) (6+ years old)
The Iron Giant (1999) (6+ years old)
Star Wars: A New Hope, Episode IV (6+ years old)
E.T. (1982) (8+ years old)
Miracle of 34th Street (1947) (8+ years old)
Where the Red Fern Grows (1974) (8+ years old)
Here is a brief list of some movies to watch with your son (5-8) and to talk with him about. Many of these movies are made from books. IF he likes the movie, get the book and read it with him.
The Lion King (1994) (5+ years old)
Babe (1995) (5+ years old)
Toy Story (5+ years old)
The Adventures of Robin Hood (1938) (6+ years old)
The Wizard of Oz (6+ years old)
Old Yeller (1957) (6+ years old)
The Iron Giant (1999) (6+ years old)
Star Wars: A New Hope, Episode IV (6+ years old)
E.T. (1982) (8+ years old)
Miracle of 34th Street (1947) (8+ years old)
Where the Red Fern Grows (1974) (8+ years old)
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
Masturbation
Jason G. asks:
Okay, Stephen & David, my boys are 12. They've got newfound emotions, a growing
sense of autonomy, and hair growing in new places, too.
With their budding sexuality and growing awareness of girls, I've been
wondering about how to bring up the topic of masturbation with them. We've
had the birds and the bees talk and we enjoy a pretty open conversation
about most everything. In a way I think I blew it by not talking about
masturbation with them when we had the birds and the bees talk. But now
that they're older, there seems like ample opportunity for it to be awkward.
I never had anyone to talk with me about any of these things when I was
growing up, so I was left to navigate these waters on my own and felt
embarassment and shame over my own burgeoning sexuality. I vowed that I
wouldn't leave my kids similarly in the dark. But now that the moment is
here, I'm a little unsure of the dark and don't know how to proceed... Got
a flashlight?
Stephen & David Answer:
Jason,
Here's a light. Don't fret over having not had the talk yet. Yes they may have been better served to have talked earlier, but what matters is that you want to talk now. Go ahead and expect there to be some awkwardness around this topic. There is good reason for this: It's an awkward topic. With that said, the more at ease you can be and comfortable in discussing it, the less awkward your sons will likely feel in the midst of this conversation.
You are so on target, out of your own experience, about how much shame we make boys vulnerable to when we don't help them navigate this area. Boys desperately need to hear from their dads )or other trustworthy men) on this topic. Our approach in this kind of conversation is to do it around a task—shoot some hoops, walk the greens, change a tire, fish, canoe, hike . . . anything where he doesn't have to look you in the eyes from start to finish. Boys talk well around a task. Eye to eye can feel really threatening to them, and particularly with this kind of topic. So first of all decide when and where you want to open up a dialogue with him. That's foundational.
Secondly, we recommend talking more about the biology of masturbation than anything. We put together some helpful guidelines in Wild Things for guiding a dad through this conversation. Check out the Hot Topics section of our book and see if it's helpful in navigating the conversation. We go deeper into this in our book, but, briefly we suggest:
Normalizing the behavior.
Talk with him the pros and cons.
Don’t make this a one time conversation. (We suggest making it a part of broader conversation about sexuality, masculinity, and his heart.)
We're grateful you are wanting and willing to step in the game with your boys in this way. And for sending in such a great question, your book is on the way.
Stephen & David
Okay, Stephen & David, my boys are 12. They've got newfound emotions, a growing
sense of autonomy, and hair growing in new places, too.
With their budding sexuality and growing awareness of girls, I've been
wondering about how to bring up the topic of masturbation with them. We've
had the birds and the bees talk and we enjoy a pretty open conversation
about most everything. In a way I think I blew it by not talking about
masturbation with them when we had the birds and the bees talk. But now
that they're older, there seems like ample opportunity for it to be awkward.
I never had anyone to talk with me about any of these things when I was
growing up, so I was left to navigate these waters on my own and felt
embarassment and shame over my own burgeoning sexuality. I vowed that I
wouldn't leave my kids similarly in the dark. But now that the moment is
here, I'm a little unsure of the dark and don't know how to proceed... Got
a flashlight?
Stephen & David Answer:
Jason,
Here's a light. Don't fret over having not had the talk yet. Yes they may have been better served to have talked earlier, but what matters is that you want to talk now. Go ahead and expect there to be some awkwardness around this topic. There is good reason for this: It's an awkward topic. With that said, the more at ease you can be and comfortable in discussing it, the less awkward your sons will likely feel in the midst of this conversation.
You are so on target, out of your own experience, about how much shame we make boys vulnerable to when we don't help them navigate this area. Boys desperately need to hear from their dads )or other trustworthy men) on this topic. Our approach in this kind of conversation is to do it around a task—shoot some hoops, walk the greens, change a tire, fish, canoe, hike . . . anything where he doesn't have to look you in the eyes from start to finish. Boys talk well around a task. Eye to eye can feel really threatening to them, and particularly with this kind of topic. So first of all decide when and where you want to open up a dialogue with him. That's foundational.
Secondly, we recommend talking more about the biology of masturbation than anything. We put together some helpful guidelines in Wild Things for guiding a dad through this conversation. Check out the Hot Topics section of our book and see if it's helpful in navigating the conversation. We go deeper into this in our book, but, briefly we suggest:
Normalizing the behavior.
Talk with him the pros and cons.
Don’t make this a one time conversation. (We suggest making it a part of broader conversation about sexuality, masculinity, and his heart.)
We're grateful you are wanting and willing to step in the game with your boys in this way. And for sending in such a great question, your book is on the way.
Stephen & David
Wild Things hits Memphis
Last night, David Thomas taught Wild Things to a packed out room of over 100 parents and educators at Independent Presbyterian in Memphis. Thank you Independent Pres. for such a great turnout. From the picture above, you’d think that he put quite a few people asleep (all the heads down), but to the contrary, the talk went great and they were actually taking notes. More later.
Spanking
There are few other topics relating to boys that are as emotionally charged, polarizing, and likely controversial as that of spanking. With that in mind, we’re simply going to throw out some ideas to consider in terms of choosing a form of discipline and you pick sides on this one.
1. Boys are naturally aggressive, as we discussed with Explorers. They don’t need any help in being more that way.
2. Always discipline toward character not behavior.
3. Never discipline in anger, whether physically or verbally. Doing so creates opportunity for harm, either physical or emotional harm. It also models something for a kid that isn’t useful. At the core, it’s a lack of self-control. Boys benefit from being sent to their rooms and waiting while you formulate a consequence for them.
4. Try and make the punishment fit the crime. We realize this isn’t always possible, but can take place a large majority of time. Greater learning takes place when kids experience natural consequences.
5. Discipline should be consistent to have the most impact and with as little emotion as possible. Screaming or yelling doesn’t create greater impact for learning with kids; it only makes you look more out of control.
6. A fantastic guide for disciple is the Love and Logic series. They have books and resources starting with kids as young as six months all the way through adolescence. Their philosophy is extremely honoring to kids and their techniques are highly effective when utilized consistently. Go to loveandlogic.com to explore their resources.
This was taken from our new book, Wild Things. Buy it on Amazon.
1. Boys are naturally aggressive, as we discussed with Explorers. They don’t need any help in being more that way.
2. Always discipline toward character not behavior.
3. Never discipline in anger, whether physically or verbally. Doing so creates opportunity for harm, either physical or emotional harm. It also models something for a kid that isn’t useful. At the core, it’s a lack of self-control. Boys benefit from being sent to their rooms and waiting while you formulate a consequence for them.
4. Try and make the punishment fit the crime. We realize this isn’t always possible, but can take place a large majority of time. Greater learning takes place when kids experience natural consequences.
5. Discipline should be consistent to have the most impact and with as little emotion as possible. Screaming or yelling doesn’t create greater impact for learning with kids; it only makes you look more out of control.
6. A fantastic guide for disciple is the Love and Logic series. They have books and resources starting with kids as young as six months all the way through adolescence. Their philosophy is extremely honoring to kids and their techniques are highly effective when utilized consistently. Go to loveandlogic.com to explore their resources.
This was taken from our new book, Wild Things. Buy it on Amazon.
Boys . . . How they grow up
There is a lot that goes into the makeup of boys: genetics, culture, physiology, emotions, spirituality, snakes, snails, puppy dog tails, etc. Boys are really complicated; much more complicated than we often give them credit for being.
Plato, the ancient Greek philosopher, wrote, “Of all animals the boy is the most unmanageable, inasmuch as he has the fountain of reason in him not yet regulated.” That Plato was a smart guy. As a general rule, boys are more difficult to raise than girls. They are tougher to parent. They are tougher to teach. They are tougher to relate with. They are tougher to mentor and coach. The famous English journalist G. K. Chesterton said it this way,
“Boyhood is a most complex and incomprehensible thing. Even when one has been through it, one does not understand what it was. A man can never quite understand a boy, even when he has been the boy.”
While we may not be able to fully understand boys, and it is for sure is never our goal to tame them, we can do a better job at trying to meet them where they are and helping them on the dangerous journey of becoming a man.
Boys are quite their own creatures, and there’s so much about the way a boy responds to his environment, himself, and others that can be explained as developmental. Having an understanding of development is foundational in terms of caring well for a boy as well as diminishing a parent’s worry and concerns as the boy passes through the different stages. (Heck, it also can help you sound really smart at PTA meetings.)
The progression of boy from a baby to a twenty-something is far more gray than black and white, much more fluid than solid. To even say the categories overlap would be too concrete. It’s much more accurate to look at boy development as a spectrum (like a rainbow)—all of the colors bleeding into and through the rest.
It’s important to understand boy development in these terms because what’s present and needed at age two doesn’t disappear by age five or twelve; it rather becomes a part of a bigger whole. It’s not uncommon to find toddler-typical behavior present in adolescents (or forty-year-old men for that matter). Equally so, there are several identity forming stages within the span of boyhood that are similar.
What a boy needs at age three (“boundaries” for example) doesn’t go away as he gets older, it’s very much still there. It’s just that he might need more of something else at age five (“redirection” for instance) or around nine or ten (like “involvement”).
The older a boy gets the more he needs from his caregivers. This is really different than some other more “traditional” views of child development that say as the boy becomes a teenager and then a man he needs less from his parents. In actuality the older a boy gets the more complex and dynamic his needs are. His needs move from primarily physical (birth to age three) to increasingly becoming more relational, emotional, and spiritual.
That is not to say that there isn’t a progression from one stage to the next because there is. And it is our job as their caregivers to help the boys we love move from one stage to the next. It’s really important to understand that what a boy gets or doesn’t get at one stage will directly affect how well he will transition into the next. The reason so many men struggle relationally, emotionally, and spiritually is not a lack of intelligence or morality. It’s an effect of not reaching key developmental milestones; or being rushed through one to the other; or simply skipping entire stages all together. Popular writer and speaker John Eldredge brilliantly puts is this way,
“Each stage has its lessons to be learned, and each stage can be wounded, cut short, leaving the growing man an undeveloped soul. Then we wonder why he folds suddenly when he is forty-five, like a tree we find toppled in the yard after a night of strong winds. We go over to have a look and find that its roots hadn’t sunk down into the earth, or perhaps that it was torn on the inside, weakened by disease or drought. Such are the insides of an unfinished man.” From Way of the Wild Heart
Sadly this is not uncommon. Every man is unfinished in some form or fashion. To some degree or another we are all boys in men’s bodies—dressed up and disguised with costumes of masculinity like Harleys or pickup trucks or bank accounts or families or careers. For some men these deficits are more severe than others. At worst we become “self-made” which is really the worst kind of man you can be because it inhibits us from trusting others and God.
For as long as we have been working with parents of boys, we have been asked the question “is this normal?” hundreds if not thousands of times. Usually what is behind this question is a deeper, scarier question that a parent is asking, “Is my son normal?” Most often the answer is, “Yes,” and with some education much of a parent’s fears can be allayed. But, if you are a woman, it is likely that you will have to broaden your definition of normal. Things you never dreamed of become normal once you put a boy in your life.
With boys, you will find yourself saying things and hearing things that you never thought needed to be said or heard. Like the night my (Stephen) wife had to insist to our two-year-old twins “sixteen times of washing really is sufficient to get your penis clean.” Or the day one of my sons screamed from the bathroom, “Guys! Come see how big my poop is!” As a caregiver to boys you will be blown away by how thousands of times you will have to say things such as, “Please keep you feet to yourself.” or “Don’t lick the floor.” or “Please remember that farting is for private.”
In the our latest book, Wild Things, we will provide some categories for understanding the way of a boy on his developmental journey.
• The Explorer (ages 2–4)
• The Lover (ages 5–8)
• The Individual (ages 9–12)
• The Wanderer (ages 13–17)
• The Warrior (ages 18–22)
What we have outlined here is an amalgamation of many other developmental theories, views, and opinions. We’ve tried to lay things out and explain things in a way that will give you some clarity as well as offer you some ways to provide signposts for boys along their journey—and maybe help keep you a little saner to boot.
As you can see, with each category we have put some age parameters. Please read this next sentence out loud: These are loose parameters. Each boy will take the journey of boyhood at his own pace. Some will seem to race through. Others will take it in sputters and starts. And a few of us meander through like . . . well . . . a boy in a toy store—with no intention of ever leaving. It’s our job as parents, educators, coaches, mentors, youth workers, counselors, etc. to help him along the way by knowing where he is and giving him what he needs.
Order the book on Amazon.
Plato, the ancient Greek philosopher, wrote, “Of all animals the boy is the most unmanageable, inasmuch as he has the fountain of reason in him not yet regulated.” That Plato was a smart guy. As a general rule, boys are more difficult to raise than girls. They are tougher to parent. They are tougher to teach. They are tougher to relate with. They are tougher to mentor and coach. The famous English journalist G. K. Chesterton said it this way,
“Boyhood is a most complex and incomprehensible thing. Even when one has been through it, one does not understand what it was. A man can never quite understand a boy, even when he has been the boy.”
While we may not be able to fully understand boys, and it is for sure is never our goal to tame them, we can do a better job at trying to meet them where they are and helping them on the dangerous journey of becoming a man.
Boys are quite their own creatures, and there’s so much about the way a boy responds to his environment, himself, and others that can be explained as developmental. Having an understanding of development is foundational in terms of caring well for a boy as well as diminishing a parent’s worry and concerns as the boy passes through the different stages. (Heck, it also can help you sound really smart at PTA meetings.)
The progression of boy from a baby to a twenty-something is far more gray than black and white, much more fluid than solid. To even say the categories overlap would be too concrete. It’s much more accurate to look at boy development as a spectrum (like a rainbow)—all of the colors bleeding into and through the rest.
It’s important to understand boy development in these terms because what’s present and needed at age two doesn’t disappear by age five or twelve; it rather becomes a part of a bigger whole. It’s not uncommon to find toddler-typical behavior present in adolescents (or forty-year-old men for that matter). Equally so, there are several identity forming stages within the span of boyhood that are similar.
What a boy needs at age three (“boundaries” for example) doesn’t go away as he gets older, it’s very much still there. It’s just that he might need more of something else at age five (“redirection” for instance) or around nine or ten (like “involvement”).
The older a boy gets the more he needs from his caregivers. This is really different than some other more “traditional” views of child development that say as the boy becomes a teenager and then a man he needs less from his parents. In actuality the older a boy gets the more complex and dynamic his needs are. His needs move from primarily physical (birth to age three) to increasingly becoming more relational, emotional, and spiritual.
That is not to say that there isn’t a progression from one stage to the next because there is. And it is our job as their caregivers to help the boys we love move from one stage to the next. It’s really important to understand that what a boy gets or doesn’t get at one stage will directly affect how well he will transition into the next. The reason so many men struggle relationally, emotionally, and spiritually is not a lack of intelligence or morality. It’s an effect of not reaching key developmental milestones; or being rushed through one to the other; or simply skipping entire stages all together. Popular writer and speaker John Eldredge brilliantly puts is this way,
“Each stage has its lessons to be learned, and each stage can be wounded, cut short, leaving the growing man an undeveloped soul. Then we wonder why he folds suddenly when he is forty-five, like a tree we find toppled in the yard after a night of strong winds. We go over to have a look and find that its roots hadn’t sunk down into the earth, or perhaps that it was torn on the inside, weakened by disease or drought. Such are the insides of an unfinished man.” From Way of the Wild Heart
Sadly this is not uncommon. Every man is unfinished in some form or fashion. To some degree or another we are all boys in men’s bodies—dressed up and disguised with costumes of masculinity like Harleys or pickup trucks or bank accounts or families or careers. For some men these deficits are more severe than others. At worst we become “self-made” which is really the worst kind of man you can be because it inhibits us from trusting others and God.
For as long as we have been working with parents of boys, we have been asked the question “is this normal?” hundreds if not thousands of times. Usually what is behind this question is a deeper, scarier question that a parent is asking, “Is my son normal?” Most often the answer is, “Yes,” and with some education much of a parent’s fears can be allayed. But, if you are a woman, it is likely that you will have to broaden your definition of normal. Things you never dreamed of become normal once you put a boy in your life.
With boys, you will find yourself saying things and hearing things that you never thought needed to be said or heard. Like the night my (Stephen) wife had to insist to our two-year-old twins “sixteen times of washing really is sufficient to get your penis clean.” Or the day one of my sons screamed from the bathroom, “Guys! Come see how big my poop is!” As a caregiver to boys you will be blown away by how thousands of times you will have to say things such as, “Please keep you feet to yourself.” or “Don’t lick the floor.” or “Please remember that farting is for private.”
In the our latest book, Wild Things, we will provide some categories for understanding the way of a boy on his developmental journey.
• The Explorer (ages 2–4)
• The Lover (ages 5–8)
• The Individual (ages 9–12)
• The Wanderer (ages 13–17)
• The Warrior (ages 18–22)
What we have outlined here is an amalgamation of many other developmental theories, views, and opinions. We’ve tried to lay things out and explain things in a way that will give you some clarity as well as offer you some ways to provide signposts for boys along their journey—and maybe help keep you a little saner to boot.
As you can see, with each category we have put some age parameters. Please read this next sentence out loud: These are loose parameters. Each boy will take the journey of boyhood at his own pace. Some will seem to race through. Others will take it in sputters and starts. And a few of us meander through like . . . well . . . a boy in a toy store—with no intention of ever leaving. It’s our job as parents, educators, coaches, mentors, youth workers, counselors, etc. to help him along the way by knowing where he is and giving him what he needs.
Order the book on Amazon.
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